The brain chemistry of love is real. Love is one of the strongest human emotions we possess, but in our increasingly digital world, it’s becoming harder to find that perfect match. So, the question remains: how does a person fall in love? And how can we use this knowledge to our benefit?
Brain Chemistry and Love
There are many chemicals released in the cycle of love: The main five are dopamine, cortisol, serotonin, oxytocin and vasopressin. During the initial stages of attraction, dopamine and cortisol take control. Dopamine triggers the brain’s reward response and makes things feel pleasurable. Think about this chemical like the slot machine at a casino. The more you win, the happier you feel, and the more you want to keep playing. It’s very addictive and very effective.
Cortisol, that Feeling of Butterflies
Cortisol, on the other hand, is triggered during a stress response. This chemical is what causes the heart to race. It is also responsible for the feeling of butterflies in our stomachs, which is better known as infatuation. While cortisol can make this stage feel stressful, it can also trigger a feeling of excitement for what’s to come.
The Attraction Phase of a Relationship
According to matchmakers, this initial attraction phase is the most important when it comes to fostering a long-term relationship. When you first meet someone, your brain processes all sorts of stimuli and tries to make sense of the situation. This is why many matchmakers encourage meeting face-to-face.
“The first interaction is key,” explains Melissa Williams, founder of Swipe Right MatchMakers in Geneva.
“These chemicals are hugely apparent in that first introduction. Being able to understand the role of these chemicals helps us coach people.”
This is one of the reasons why Swipe Right hosts preliminary mixers. This way, their clients can initiate that needed face-to-face contact, which ultimately jumpstarts their relationship’s chemistry.
Fight or Flight Response
This first meeting, however, can be a stressful one. With so much to process, our brains can easily trigger a fight-or-flight response, which shuts off the front part of the brain that makes logical decisions.
To avoid this, Williams and her team at Swipe Right encourage their clients to be in-tune with their emotions and aim for heart/brain coherence. In this state, the brain and the heart are working in electrical tandem, as brainwaves and the heart’s electrical activity move at the same pace.
“When the heart and the brain are in sync, people experience greater emotional stability; they’re more clear, more receptive, and more perceptive of social cues,” says Williams.
With heart/brain coherence, people experience less stress and are more likely to make good decisions, ultimately creating the perfect environment for proper partner selection.
Brain Chemistry Changes As a Relationship Matures
After about a year or two in a relationship, the effects of cortisol and dopamine begin to wear off. At this stage, oxytocin and vasopressin start to take over.
“These chemicals help promote long-term closeness, bonding, and monogamy between partners,” says Dr. Renae Franiuk, a professor of psychology at the University of Aurora. Both oxytocin and vasopressin are emitted during physicalintimacy and can increase emotional connection, leading to stronger bonds.
The end of a relationship?
Oftentimes, this loss of cortisol and dopamine can feel like it’s time to end the relationship. In actuality, it is quite the opposite.
“I think it’s important for couples to understand that the honeymoon phase (or the intense passion and attraction in the first few years of a relationship) will fade over time. This is a typical brain reaction, and it doesn’t mean the relationship is failing,” Franiuk reassures.
“Our brain will naturally transition us to a calmer, companion love over time, and happy long-term relationships have all sorts of benefits for our physical and emotional health.”
Rose-Tinted Glasses In the Early Phases
While there are many benefits to feeling love, there can also be negative outcomes of these chemical releases. One of the most common issues people face are the “rose-tinted glasses.”
“Early in love, there are brain mechanisms that make us less critical about our partner,” explains Franiuk.
While giving your partner the benefit of the doubt can be a good thing, it can also lead to willfully ignoring warning signs. Franiuk emphasizes the importance of trusting your gut: when you feel something’s off, make sure to reassess.
The Addiction of Love
It’s also important to be aware of the addictive effects of dopamine. While there is no clinical diagnosis for being addicted to one’s partner, the dopamine’s reward response is an extremely tedious feedback loop. For example, when the loop is interrupted during a breakup, it can usher in major negative emotions. To combat this, it’s important to not only find happiness in others, but to also find happiness in yourself.
Love is one of life’s greatest emotions, but it comes with many mysteries.
While it’s impossible to know what the future holds, understanding the science behind our emotions is a great first step when looking to enter the dating scene.
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